Monique in the Middle

I was recently presented with an opportunity—one that, on paper, had a financial benefit—something I was trying to manifest, especially considering I’m currently in the middle of a financial hardship.

But as soon as I heard it, my instinct said no.

This wasn’t just a gut feeling. It was a knowing. A quiet but firm No, not again.

Because I’ve partnered with this group before, and every single time, it never ended well for me. They always walked away with more than what they gave. They’re disorganized and dismissive of scope, and in the past, I allowed that. I did more than I was asked. I didn’t enforce boundaries. I accepted the chaos—and I paid for it.

Twice before, they burned me in business deals. So my instinct saying no? It was based on experience.

But when I voiced my concerns, they insisted: “This time will be different.” They said the past would be rectified. They said I was perfect for the opportunity.

And before I even had a chance to decide, they announced I was in publicly, one hour before the actual scope call.

That call? Of course the scope was way more than discussed. And sure, they said they’d pull it back, reassign parts, shift the workload—but by then, the pattern had already repeated itself.

Still, I felt like I couldn’t say no. I needed the money. I needed to get back on track financially. Saying no felt… irresponsible. Selfish, even.

But deep down, I knew: this wasn’t for me.

Later that day, I was watching a show with my daughter. In it, a mother’s son was dying. She couldn’t get insurance to cover the treatment. Then the devil came to her with an offer: her soul in exchange for her child’s life.

It was dramatic, sure—but something about it hit me. I immediately thought about my own situation. It was as if the show held up a mirror.

And I wondered: Is this a test?

Ever since I started setting boundaries… requiring payment for my value…, and pushing back on being used… it’s like these old, familiar opportunities keep showing up—opportunities to betray myself, shrink, and accept crumbs.

Are these tests? To see if I’ll truly walk the path I said I would? Or are they disguised blessings that I should be humble enough to receive?

That’s the hard part.

Because my whole life has been a cycle: do more than asked, get used, break down, snap, push people away… repeat. I got tired of it. Last year, I decided no more. My health couldn’t take it.

So when this opportunity came, I felt it again. That tightness in my chest. That whisper: Don’t do it.

And yet, when you're facing financial hardships and trying to keep everything afloat, saying no can feel like self-sabotage. You wonder if you're just being stubborn or ungrateful.

But here's the question I keep coming back to:

When you say yes to something that goes against your values—something your spirit said no to—are you telling the universe that you don’t believe in a better outcome? That you don’t believe you’re worthy of one? That you don’t believe more is coming?

Is that why selling out sometimes feels like relief? Because it's the moment you stop hoping. It's the moment you give in and say, this is all I’ll ever get.

And maybe that’s why these cycles continue. Because our choices aren’t aligned with the life we say we want. They're aligned with the fear we’re trying to escape.

And so, here I am—in the middle.

I don’t have the neat ending. I don’t have the “and then I said no, and something amazing came along!” Maybe that will happen. Maybe it won’t.

Sometimes I receive messages that hold the answer.
Sometimes I get an idea that leads me to the answer.
And sometimes… it just feels like the message was cut off.

But I’ve realized—not every message ends with a resolution.

Some are cliffhangers.

Some are Marvel-movie-style: you sit through the credits, hoping for a glimpse of what’s next… but ultimately, you just have to wait.

People often rush to tell the story—but only once it’s done. Only once they look shiny and wise.

But there’s beauty in the middle—in the space where you’re still figuring it out.

And that’s why I wanted to share this now. While I’m still in it.

Just hanging in limbo— which, let me tell you, is a real party for a recovering control freak.

So that’s what this is.
Me, in the middle.
Wrestling.
Waiting.
Trusting.

I’ll let you know how it ends.

Reflect & Restore

Quote of the Moment

"When you abandon yourself to please others, you end up pleasing no one—not even them."
— Lalah Delia

Journaling Prompt

Am I betraying myself, or am I being sensible?

Song for the Soul

“Why Do I Feel So Sad” by Alicia Keys